I have depression.
This isn’t the sort of sadness that sticks around for a week and then goes away. It’s not the sort of thing that even has a good reason, although there might have been one originally. It’s the sort of thing that can stick with you for months or even years, is a recognised illness, and is one of the worst possible states a human can experience.
I know this news will surprise some of you. To many people reading this letter, I’m the guy who’s always happy. I’m the guy who’s always having a good time, and getting out there and doing incredible things. However for the last few months, I haven’t been having a good time.
One of the defining symptoms of major depression is anhedonia— an inability to feel pleasure or enjoyment. You’ve probably experienced this yourself to some degree at various times; everything just seems a little more dull and plain and nothing really seems fun. With major depression, *nothing* can seem enjoyable. It can kill your motivation and your friendships, it can ruin your career, and it can cause you to give up on your megaprojects in Minecraft. It’s the anhedonia that removes one of the defining *good* features of the human condition: the ability to enjoy things.
I have a lot of dear friends who have struggled, and still struggle, with depression. Some of them have been dealing with it their entire lives. I can only say that I have a new appreciation of their situation, and renewed respect for their determination and bravery.
So why am I writing about this publicly? Why am I not I just keeping this to myself and my close friends? Firstly, it’s for my own mental health. I don’t want to hide that I’m depressed; I don’t want to pretend that I’m okay when I’m not. Pretending is *exhausting*, I’ve been doing it for too long, and right now I need all the energy I can get.
But also, I don’t want anyone to have some sort of idea in their head that mental illness only affects certain types of people. I think the more of us who come out with our experiences, the more mental illness will be accepted.
I do want to be clear that I would like to raise the acceptance of mental illness in general. I have friends with bipolar, borderline personality, schizophrenia, anxiety, and a whole slew of other conditions. And you know what? They’re doing amazing things. I’m proud to have them as my friends.
For those of you that wish to know about the nuts and bolts of depression from a neurobiological standpoint, I highly recommend Robert Sapolsky’s lecture presented at Stanford University. Dr Sapolsky puts forward a convincing case that major depression has a strong biological basis, and that telling someone to “get over it” makes about as much sense as telling a diabetic they should get over that silly insulin business.
I also wish to draw attention to two initiatives in particular: Beyond Blue in Australia, who work tirelessly on providing resources and awareness of mental health, and BlueHackers.org, which specifically caters to people working in technology. Special mention also goes to LifeLine who provide crisis support services services, and are always in need of volunteers and support.
Finally, for all of you who have been helping to carry me through this: thank you. I know that I’m not always good at accepting it, but I appreciate your continuing support and patience more than I can say.
6 thoughts on “I have depression—an open letter by Paul Fenwick”
I once have BPD ( borderline Personality Disorder), I go into remission, I am okay. We are in it, together, we can walk together, out of it
I don’t know about “walking out of it” – It can sometimes feel like an endless war in which you win some and lose some battles. Either way, thank you for sharing this. I have been on that same path officially for 10 years and I’m with you and people in the same situation all the way. Xo
Thank you very much Paul for putting in a so clear way how a drepessed person feels.
I wish you be good soon, our world and our freedom needs all of its hackers.
I’m just starting the journey myself after finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not “just going through a down patch.” I needed to face up to it so that I could start to find ways to manage it. For not only my own sake but for my wife and children as well.
Whadya know – Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt after all *grin*
Not quite sure how to say this, so I’ll just say it and hope it comes through OK: there are many people in this world who know you, like you, and care about you, and would be exceedingly sad and upset to read a post like this about you: http://stumptownsyndicate.org/2013/04/09/goodbye-igal/ . Please remember that if you ever have cause to find it relevant.
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